


'What have I done?'

by beefcakemish



Series: Misc. Drabbles [28]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x03 coda, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coda, Established Relationship, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-06 03:22:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21219731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beefcakemish/pseuds/beefcakemish
Summary: A sort of fix-it coda to Season 15, Episode 3.Inspired by the song 'What Have I Done' by Dermot Kennedy





	'What have I done?'

“Where are you going?”

Dean cringes at the edge to his voice. He hadn’t meant it to sound as harsh as it came out. Then again, he hadn’t meant a lot of things the past few weeks. They just happened. Just clawed their way from the pit of his stomach out of his mouth; acid tainting his words.

Cas stops in his tracks, pausing for a moment, and Dean rejoices that maybe he hasn’t completely ruined this yet. When he turns around, Dean’s eyes drop to the floor before darting back up again. Not for the reasons Cas thinks. He’d forgiven Cas for Mary’s death after only a couple of days. They had all known something was wrong with Jack. They were all equally responsible for what had happened. It was easier to push his anger on to Cas than to deal with the loss of his Mother and his continual failure as a son.

But now? After everything with God? How is he supposed to look at the man knowing that the last twelve years of their life, that their whole relationship, every lingering touch, every whispered adoration, every stolen glance, **_every single moment_**, has been fabricated for someone’s amusement?

“Jack’s dead. Chuck’s gone. You – You and Sam have each other. I think it’s time I moved on.”

Defeated. That’s the only way he can describe how Cas sounds as he turns to answer Dean; only halfway, like he’s already got one foot out the door. Cas pauses, seemingly waiting for Dean, waiting for something to stop him from walking out. Dean can’t bring himself to look Cas in the eyes. It’s probably for the best he leaves. Everyone around him is already dying. Mary. Jack. Ketch. Rowena. At least when Chuck was running the show, running their lives, there was always a chance death wasn’t final and Cas had always come back to him. Everything was different now.

Heavy footsteps on the stairs pull Dean from his thoughts. _What have I done? What have I done?_

Dean’s at the bottom of the stairs before he even realizes he’s moved. Cas’ hand is on the doorknob, though he doesn’t seem to be ready to open the door and leave.

“Cas! Cas, please. Don’t go.”

Cas’ eyes close as his chin drops to his chest.

“I’m of no use to you, Dean. You said so yourself. I’m only capable of messing things up.”

Dean slowly takes a few steps up the stairs before stopping again, leaving Cas some distance.

“No, that’s not true. It’s never been true.” Dean looks up at Cas before taking another step towards him. Cas hasn’t moved an inch since Dean called his name, and he hopes that means he’s willing to hear him out; willing to hear Dean’s pathetic explanation.

“I’m angry, Cas. I’m so fucking angry. My whole life has been a lie - just a plot in some sick son-of-a-bitches storybook. Every bad thing that’s ever happened to me, to Sam, it happened because he needed entertainment and we were the characters he decided to play with. Every good thing that’s ever happened has been a lie.” Dean takes a moment to breathe and pull back the acid from his words again before continuing.

“You said – you said you knew we were real. How, Cas? How do you know that it’s real? How can you believe that after everything?”

Cas’ hand drops from the doorknob, as he turns to face Dean.

“Dean, it’s because of everything, that I know we are real, that what we have is real. I know you’re angry. I’m angry, too. You have every right to feel betrayed, hurt, or even used. But you taught me about free will, Dean, something I was never meant to have, something God never planned on. We’ve defied his commands before.”

Turning his back to Cas, Dean sits down on the step, relieved when Cas sits down next to him. He runs a hand down his face, leaning over to rest his elbows on his knees before speaking, softer now than before, all traces of anger gone from his voice.

“I thought I’d be better off alone, ya know? I didn’t want anyone to save me. I didn’t need anyone to save me. I was right where I should be, where I needed to be. But then you came along. You turned everything on its end, man, and all I could think is ‘What have I done? How could I have let this happen?’.

Dean pauses to draw in a shuddering breath. Noticing his difficulty in continuing, Cas places his hand on Dean’s wrist where it hangs over his knee. A small gesture of comfort, but one that grounds him completely.

“I fell in love with you, Cas, and I fought against it. God, did I fight against it. But then everything changed, and I can’t even pinpoint the moment anymore, it’s been so long now.”

Cas runs his thumb over the sensitive skin on the inside of Dean’s wrist. Here in this moment the touch feels more intimate than it has any right to. Dean brings his other hand up to cover Cas’, raising his head to look over at the angel. The hurt and betrayal is gone for the moment, and while Dean knows it’s bound to return at some point, he celebrates in the disappearance of it now.

“You shouldn’t forgive me, Cas. I’ve been awful to you. Just please – please don’t leave. I know it’s dangerous, but I need you. I need you more than I’ve needed anything, and that terrifies me. Even though I’m scared, I know this is a once in a lifetime kinda thing, and if we’re reaching the end of ours, there’s no where else I want to be than with you by my side.”

“I don’t know that I can forgive you, Dean.”

Dean withdraws his hand from Cas’s and turns his head away to nod in agreeance, even if it’s tearing him apart inside.

“I don’t know that I can forgive you, _yet_. What I do know, is that even though I’m angry with you, and hurt by your words, every fiber of my being, of my soul, is drawn to you, as it always will be. Leaving you is the only way I could think to lessen the pull you have on me; the weakness I feel at constantly failing you.”

Cas reaches a hand out in front of Dean, and he watches as it comes closer, cupping his jaw and turning his head so Dean has no choice but to look directly at him. He pulls Dean into him, so close their foreheads come to rest against one another, and Dean can feel Cas’ steady breath against his lips.

“I love you, Dean. I wasn’t meant to love you, and that’s why I know this is real. I chose to love you, and I will choose to love you for the remainder of my existence. God could not command me to feel differently if he tried.”

A relieved, shaking breath escapes Dean before he can help it. He closes his eyes, and lightly pushes back against Cas, bringing his hand up to grip the back of Cas’ neck, daring him to try and put distance between them. He hesitates before brushing their lips together, so whisper soft even he barely feels it. Cas shows no hesitation as his lips press back against Deans, so sure in their movement, feeling, and purpose.


End file.
